I have to admit to feeling really very down earlier this week ( I have regained some equilibrium now) and have been thinking why this might be as lots of nice things are coming up, work is steadily coming in and I’m ridiculously excited on Theo’s behalf about his New York trip.
After some thought I think I can see a familiar pattern. Last week I was signed off from my routine hospital check ups – the 3 year mark is obviously a very Good Thing but I think it has left me feeling quite alone and odd. I felt this same feeling very badly after finishing radiotherapy- the sudden end to daily trips to Southampton and the rituals of being zapped and then nothing is quite an odd feeling (particularly when one should be feeling relieved.) I found the rituals quite reassuring -the hospital transport (what saintly people the drivers are) then the checking in with my bar code, flicking through the Reader’s Digests and then being asked how I am – not merely a polite greeting but they actually do need to know how you are feeling -and confirming that I am me (in case they irradiate the wrong person).
I guess I don’t cope well with endings. I also think that my reactions are on some kind of time delay. When my brother died I didn’t feel able to feel anything – no crying or grieving and when I knew I had breast cancer, again I felt unable to feel anything except some anxiety about surgery. I always feel a bit freakish because I don’t cry or get angry. Everything seems to come out later – very much later following Richard’s death, and usually in the form of OCD which is how I deal with uncertainty and my need to control my life.
Anyway, I am plunging myself into work and am going to try to do regular Mindful yoga (I have ordered a nice new mat). I am loving doing the name pictures and cards because lettering is proving to be hugely enjoyable. I am working on the family tree picture today and a Father’s Day picture and hope to get the drawing bits done before going off to Theo’s New York choir’s pre-tour concert -they’re singing outside in one of the quads at school,following their picnic (Theo’s offering is 40 Kit Kats) Here is my rough for the family tree….